My Thoughts on Roe v. Wade

My heart has not had the reaction that I expected from the overturning of Roe v. Wade.  It is full of heaviness and questions, but also resolve and hope.  I feel like my story gives me a bit of a different perspective on it all, and I've hesitated to share because I haven't felt I had the right words.  The thoughts I share here are still fresh and may not be complete, but I thought they were important to share.

On February 16, 2019, I found out I was pregnant.  On April 25, 2019, I experienced a traumatic and life-threatening miscarriage.  We believed that the Lord had put having a new baby on our hearts, so we determined to follow Him on the journey to another baby.  In faith, we conceived again in July of 2019 and experienced another miscarriage in September.  In faith, we would conceive 4 more times and each pregnancy ended in miscarriage.  I had 2 emergency D&C's, 2 routine D&C's, and 1 D&E.  Each of these experiences brought crushing heartbreak and deep soul-searching such that I would never wish on anyone.

In August 2021, I was just a couple days short of 20 weeks with Baby Evelyn.  We had done all the things, and followed all the doctors orders to keep her alive and healthy.  Everything was looking great, and we went into our Maternal-Fetal Health doctor's office for a last "graduation" visit when we found out that she had died just a day or two before.  We decided to induce my labor so that I could deliver her vaginally and hold her to feel closure.  We were fairly certain that this would be our last pregnancy, as I wasn't sure my heart could survive any more trauma.  This delivery would result in my second emergency D&C, as my placenta would not detach on its own.

The procedures that I needed to survive 5 of my miscarriages are the same ones used to end viable pregnancies in America.  I am well-acquainted with the physical and emotional aftermath of these procedures.

All of these losses were woven into a tapestry of other life events - church abuse and loss, pressures of child-rearing, marital highs and lows, betrayal by friends, COVID-19, and emergencies within our extended families.

I say all of this so that you understand that I am well-acquainted with trauma.  Specifically, I am well-acquainted to trauma that is affected and impacted by pregnancy and reproduction.  

I'm currently 15 weeks pregnant. (That's a story for another day, really.)  This pregnancy came at the tail end of a season of healing for my heart that I desperately needed.  I honestly didn't feel done with the season, but I felt the prompting from the Holy Spirit to pick up my dreams again.  All I could say (to the CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE) was that I would start thinking about it.  Consider it.  The answer in my heart did not yet feel like a "yes", more like a "not yet".  

Getting a positive pregnancy test in April was not exactly what I was expecting to see - or even hoping to see.  (Yes, we do know how this happens.)

Being pregnant in the wake of trauma is excruciating.  Every single day is a minefield, filled with triggers waiting to be ignited.  Kids being crazy, water boiling over on the stove, the dog being naughty, husband showing up late.  The fish dies, it's too hot out, 20 emails and texts blow up my phone simultaneously, or the little one gets the fifth bloody nose in two days.  Even feeling the baby move can remind of another pregnancy, comparing experiences to try and predict what is to befall me next.  Anything or nothing at all can send me into a state of stress.  Stress often triggers memories, and then I lose control.  Usually losing control means that my thoughts spiral into believing lies about myself, creating scenarios about my next miscarriage, and trying to plan out which friends will be able to help our family through the next crisis. 

This is why I wasn't ready to get pregnant again - because I haven't mastered the art of taking my thoughts captive.  I haven't fully worked out my feelings from my traumas, and I my skills in dealing with those feelings are still weak.  I haven't quite stopped thinking that death and trauma are my portion, and my heart is not ready to soar on the wings of faith.  I was almost there.  But not quite.

I work really hard to live at peace with being pregnant - but I want to be clear that it is work.  I'm constantly reminded of Hebrews 4:11, and set my mind on the work of resting in the work of God.

"Let us therefore strive to enter that rest, so that no one may fall by the same sort of disobedience."
Hebrews 4:11

When I place my trust in this truth, I experience freedom and peace.  I find myself back in a place that I'm able to celebrate the life growing inside of me.  Because every life, no matter how many days it lasts, is worth celebration.

This is what I imagine must be the experience of a woman who finds herself pregnant as a result of a traumatic event.  She must experience a similarly treacherous minefield of stresses and thoughts.  I deeply empathize with the woman that is daily reminded of this trauma by the child growing in her womb.

There are many days that I just wish this journey would be over for me.  I often just want to walk away from being pregnant at all or ever again because the mental game is just. so. hard.

I wonder why I am on this journey of trying to have a baby, when Luke and I have so desired to adopt a baby for so long.  Why, when there is such a crisis for adoptive parents, have we felt the door to adoption be closed to us so many times.  It honestly feels like adoption would HAVE to be easier than the crazy train that we've been riding.

Here's where the dilemma gets deeper though.

If I truly believe that God created the Universe.  That He created you and me with unique DNA, and He created all manor of life all over the planet.  That He had the power to flood the Earth, create billions of stars (that are so coordinated that they could tell and foretell earthly events like the birth of Jesus), and confound language to create thousands of dialects all over the globe.  A God that skilled can surely create a redemption story in my life that transcends anything my trauma-triggered mind can create.

If the God of the Universe is capable of creating all of that, then he is worthy of my trust.  Even when it's really hard work.

And we know from living the human experience, that true trust has to be implicit and complete.

I have to trust Him with the good AND the bad.  And it has to come from my heart, not from coercion.

It also means that I have to trust Him when He says He's HOLY.  And that sin can't enter His presence without a blood sacrifice.  Thankfully, Jesus has taken care of that for us, but that sacrifice requires our sacrifice of trust.

Trust precedes obedience.  Every. Single. Time.

How does that affect my view on Roe v. Wade?

My trust in a Holy Creator must direct my steps, my thoughts, my opinions, and my votes.  I will continue to support and pray for the ending of abortion because my trauma doesn't define my entire journey - and it won't define the journeys of those women either.

My empathy for the women facing desperate situations cannot define my opinion. 

When I look around my community, I see dozens of local organizations doing the work of supporting women and children and raising up the sanctity of life.  My family participates with those organizations as we are able.

I believe the overturning of Roe v. Wade was a miracle enabled by a wonder-working God.  And I trust - despite my own struggles - that my wonder-working God will continue to perform miracles in raising up communities in greater measures to support and champion the sanctity of life.

I believe it is the testimony of this generation to rise up and support lives in a way that has never been seen.

Am I believing for this baby to come onto this Earth, and become part of a Holy Movement to bring the Gospel of Life to the lost in this land.  Will you join me in praying for my baby, and the future of this nation?