The Key Testimony

And I will place on his shoulder the key of the house of David. He shall open, and none shall shut; and he shall shut, and none shall open.
Isaiah 22:22

As my relationship with the Lord has grown, this is one that thing that the Lord has had to spend a lot of time teaching me: The LORD is in control of our paths.  He is the best planner, the best teacher, the best Father.  He's the best.

Some of this learning has come with greater cost than others.  This is the story of a journey that God has gone on with us, that has had the greatest cost to our family.

In 2017, we welcomed our fourth child to the world.  He was perfect in every way, and still is.  We had just moved to Kansas City, and were excited to put down new roots with a new community of believers.  We were convinced that our family was complete with this special little boy that was a complete surprise, and if we were ever to expand our family it would come down the road with foster care and adoption - something that Luke and I treasured in our hearts for a long time.

In February 2019, we were surprised to find out that I was expecting another baby.  We genuinely thought that we were done having babies from my body, but as we prayed together we realized that God had a bigger plan.  God gave each of us dreams of the baby to come, and it seemed that we received many confirmations that this was from the Lord.

As God opened this door to expanding our family again, He invited us on a journey that would teach us much about reliance on Him, His love for us, His ability to father us in brokenness, and so much more.

In April 2019, that baby that was growing inside of me went to sleep on earth and woke up in Heaven.  He would be joined by 5 more siblings in Heaven over the next 2 years.

These miscarriages were extremely painful, two of them life-threatening.  Our hearts felt thrashed, and our minds were confused.  Had we not heard the Lord's voice on this?  Was our family actually complete, and this dream we had was our own making?  Was the enemy attacking us because of the greatness of God's plan for us, or was the Lord sending us a message that we had gotten this dream wrong?  My faith was tested deeply.  Worship time during church services, which used to be my favorite time, became wrought with tears and pain.  I found myself physically unable to sing certain lyrics because I just could not confess that I believed them.

After the fifth miscarriage, I purchased a necklace to wear in memorium of these babies.  It was a gold circle filled with clear resin.  Nested into the resin was a sprig of baby's breath.  I wanted it to remind me that our babies were not dead - they were fully alive and living with Jesus in Heaven.

In August 2021, we lost our sixth baby in a row - Evelyn.  We had prayed for a strong little girl that would be filled with the Holy Spirit, and found out in July that our prayers were being answered.  We were so excited, and thankful that this horrible journey was coming to a beautiful closure.  At 19 weeks pregnant, we found out that our sweet baby girl had also gone to Heaven, and we were going to have to deliver her sleeping.  This birth left me in the lowest place I've ever been - not sure I even wanted to live.

With four children here on earth to parent, I knew I had to do something to keep living.  I got into a lay-counseling program that helped me to lift my eyes again to Jesus, and our community surrounded us in a way that helped to keep my eyes lifted.  Most days I felt as though I was army-crawling through life.  I fully expected to be walking in complete healing by the end of the program, which was slated for March 2022.  During these months, I had determined to lay down any thoughts of expanding our family.  I needed to be healed and whole and content with the life I had at the moment, and continuing to pursue any future plans would interfere with my healing.

In February of that year, we found out that Lou Engle was going to be hosting a full day of worship, prayer, and ministry on February 22 called Theater of Dreams.  With the date being 2.22.22, there was going to be an emphasis on Isaiah 22:22.  We decided that it would be important for us to attend this as a family, and could possibly help launch us into a greater focus on Jesus.  I was definitely still in the trenches of healing, but made the decision to go this event and forego my counseling class that evening.   I wore my baby's breath necklace that day, as I did many days.

What I didn't anticipate was a secondary emphasis on Psalm 126 - "We were like those who dream."

I seriously thought the Lord was playing a joke on me.  I had not graduated my lay-counseling program, and I did not feel EVEN CLOSE to being healed or ready to dream again.  I had been so faithful to focusing on my healing and not my future, and I end up at this event where I felt the Lord's leading to go, and it's all about dreaming and letting the Lord open doors!  To say I was unprepared for this day would have been a massive understatement.  I found myself undone most of the day.  There was even a call to mothers that day.  As I stood on that stage attempting to respond the the call (surely, mothering my earthly children was sufficient to answer this call), I could not even stand under the weight of what the Holy Spirit was doing that day. I was still convinced that my call was to still to sow in tears, and the thought of coming home with shouts of joy and bringing in the sheaves felt distance and possibly nonexistent for me.  The thought of dreaming again was actually painful for me.

Toward the end of the event, ushers came around and handed out small keys.  They were the kind you would use to adorn a necklace or keychain, or keep the change pocket of your wallet as a memento.  Since I was wearing a necklace, I just slipped it on with the existing pendant so as not to lose it.  I didn't plan to keep it there, but it was safe for the moment.

In the days following the Theater of Dreams, my friends shared excitedly the things that were sparked in their hearts from things that were shared.  I felt like my heart had been shredded, and I couldn't even really say anything good about the day.  I didn't even know where to begin in processing all that was shared, and how it could possibly relate to me in the state of absolute brokenness I saw myself.  The only thing I knew was that I was supposed to leave that key attached to my baby's breath pendant, and I needed to trust the Lord to unravel that path in front of me.

As believers, we often talk about our "weak yes" before the Lord, and I felt like the yes I was giving was the weakest that was humanly possible.  The only "yes" I could give in response to that day was to leave the key on my necklace, and say that I was willing to **think** about considering the future again.  I couldn't even give a firm commitment to looking into my future.

Whenever I were my baby's breath necklace, I find myself fingering that key all day long.  I think it's the Holy Spirit's gently way of germinating a seed of hope in my heart that I wasn't sure would ever sprout again.

Something was shifting, though, and we didn't know it. I felt like I was riding a tsunami wave, that God's plan were about to unfold.  I felt fully unprepared and in complete denial that anything good was going to come out of any of this.  The daily reminder that the key brought to me kept me just enough grounded in God's plans for our family, that I determined to keep moving forward.

I graduated from my lay-counseling program, feeling confident in my new skills but still very weak.  We brought a puppy home in March, thinking this might be good way for our family to heal together.  We had no idea what was coming a month later.

ON APRIL 22, 2022, 2 months after attending the Theater of Dreams and receiving the key on my necklace, we found out that we were expecting another baby.  I'm not sure if there was any part of me that was expectant for this baby to live to full-term live birth.  I wanted so badly to hope for it, and on most days wearing my necklace felt like the strongest prayer I could offer.

Today as I write this testimony, I am nearing the end of this pregnancy.  Tomorrow is my baby shower.  I will gather with some of my dearest friends to celebrate the imminent birth of this baby.  

I am so thankful for the day that my heart was shredded.  Pieces are still being uncovered and put back together; it might take a long time to feel more whole from all that our family experienced.  I'm thankful to serve a God that hears prayers that are sometimes as weak as just putting on a necklace.

And I'm hopeful.  Hopeful for my future.

Hopeful that next month we'll have a brand new baby boy in our household.  His name will be Samuel.  

When the Lord restored the fortunes of Zion,
    we were like those who dream.
Then our mouth was filled with laughter,
    and our tongue with shouts of joy;
then they said among the nations,
    “The Lord has done great things for them.”
The Lord has done great things for us;
    we are glad.

Restore our fortunes, O Lord,
    like streams in the Negeb!
Those who sow in tears
    shall reap with shouts of joy!
He who goes out weeping,
    bearing the seed for sowing,
shall come home with shouts of joy,
    bringing his sheaves with him.

Psalm 126